It Me

Hi, it me.
And it's been almost 4 years since I have written (on this blog anyway). I literally am crying right now. Writing is the one place I feel like I can express myself. Spoken words have always gotten in my way, I think they always will. But when I am left in front of these 3 rows of keys, I feel like that's where the magic happens for me. I can be completely myself.
I know there are a whole two of you reading this, and it's probably because you stumbled upon it. You weren't searching. But hi.
I don't really know what I want this space to be yet. Right now it's just a compilation of my thoughts. raw and real and written down. Probably just for myself to stumble across one day.

I graduated from college about a year ago. And I still have no idea what I am doing with my life. I thought there was this position I wanted in my company, so when it miraculously opened up, I knew I had to take my shot. I got offered the job a short week later and the next day...
I turned it down.
All those years thinking that the position was where I wanted to end up. To boost my career, to become more. And instead it wasn't the right route for me. I got a deafening "NO". But no resounding "YES" to anything else. I've searched grad school programs from BYU, to Texas, to across the pond in England. Do I try and pursue a whole new major? start over? I've searched jobs across the country, internationally, and have come up blank. Do I buy a house? Do I buy more plane tickets hoping for it to fill all the cracks and creases of heartbreak and loss? And am I compensating for something I feel deep in my gut I'll never get in return?
And I'm trying. Im trying to be positive, hoping it will happen for me one day. But when you work in a college town and you see everyone around you progressing and moving forward with the things you wanted your whole life, even hoped and prayed for... it's hard. It's hard to sit around watching it and feeling completely stuck but having no clue how to dig yourself out.

This post doesn't have a clean-cut ending like what you're probably hoping for.

It's still being worked on.